1 00:00:01,000 --> 00:00:04,840 Hello, and may I say, you are looking lovely this evening. 2 00:00:04,840 --> 00:00:06,480 Oh, thank you very much. 3 00:00:06,480 --> 00:00:10,400 That was me assuming the compliment was returned. No? 4 00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:12,200 Rude. 5 00:00:12,200 --> 00:00:15,800 So, previously in my life, my mum drags me to her friend's... 6 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:19,400 posh name alert - Clemency Twisleton-Ott - 7 00:00:19,400 --> 00:00:21,800 her party. Could have gone better. 8 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:28,440 I thought this was fruit, but I think this runch has got pum in it. 9 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:32,200 Darling, if you embarrass me... 10 00:00:33,800 --> 00:00:36,240 Look at my canape accessories! 11 00:00:40,280 --> 00:00:42,040 Formal occasions...urgh. 12 00:00:42,040 --> 00:00:47,560 I hate it when you're introduced to someone and there's that awkward pause before conversation starts. 13 00:00:47,560 --> 00:00:48,880 I never know what to say. 14 00:00:48,880 --> 00:00:51,840 It's fine if you're introduced to people with lots to talk about... 15 00:00:51,840 --> 00:00:56,640 This is Jane, she's head of the church roof campaign 16 00:00:56,640 --> 00:01:00,480 AND lectures on Matisse in her spare time. 17 00:01:02,240 --> 00:01:03,880 And this is Miranda... 18 00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:08,880 This is Miranda. 19 00:01:08,880 --> 00:01:12,200 I've got a pimple on my bottom that looks like a spaniel. 20 00:01:12,200 --> 00:01:14,160 Do you want to see it? 21 00:01:14,160 --> 00:01:17,400 You'd expect that to have been the worst social occasion of my week. 22 00:01:17,400 --> 00:01:23,040 It wasn't. Chris and Alison, Gary's friends from the restaurant, invited me to their baby shower. 23 00:01:23,040 --> 00:01:24,840 Even the notion! 24 00:01:24,840 --> 00:01:29,240 - Booties, little booties! - Aaah! 25 00:01:29,240 --> 00:01:33,600 To go with the vesties - little vesties! 26 00:01:33,600 --> 00:01:36,800 Wine-y, little wine-y! 27 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,440 Is no-one else drinking? 28 00:01:39,440 --> 00:01:42,240 You really shouldn't if you're expecting. 29 00:01:42,240 --> 00:01:44,640 I've got one thing to say to you. 30 00:01:44,640 --> 00:01:46,960 SHE BURPS 31 00:01:47,920 --> 00:01:50,600 Right, onwards with the show, my chums. 32 00:02:00,920 --> 00:02:06,160 So, in conclusion, you have got to make your ones and sevens clearer. 33 00:02:06,160 --> 00:02:08,040 Yes? One, 34 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:10,040 seven. 35 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:12,760 "Oh, sorry, what's that you're saying, Heather?" 36 00:02:12,760 --> 00:02:14,080 "Miranda..." 37 00:02:14,080 --> 00:02:17,760 - SHE SINGS - 38 00:02:17,760 --> 00:02:22,000 "Oh, she's done nothing but ruin our tax return with absolutely..." 39 00:02:22,000 --> 00:02:25,840 - OK, I get it. - Shush, please! Heather's still speaking. 40 00:02:27,440 --> 00:02:33,720 "The only numbers Miranda's any good at are After Eights and 99s." 41 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,600 You are funny, Heather. 42 00:02:38,600 --> 00:02:40,880 You're both ridiculous. 43 00:02:40,880 --> 00:02:43,560 Right, has my new phone charged? 44 00:02:43,560 --> 00:02:45,160 Oh, it's flashing. 45 00:02:45,160 --> 00:02:47,320 Does that mean messages? 46 00:02:47,320 --> 00:02:49,560 Oh, I've got two new messages. 47 00:02:49,560 --> 00:02:53,320 - You never get any messages. - I know. But I'm currently with message. 48 00:02:53,320 --> 00:02:55,440 - VOICEMAIL: - 'It's all very sudden. 49 00:02:55,440 --> 00:02:57,840 'So sorry to leave such sad news. 50 00:02:57,840 --> 00:02:59,760 'The service is on the 5th at noon. 51 00:02:59,760 --> 00:03:02,840 'Missenden Cemetery. Would mean so much if you could come. 52 00:03:02,840 --> 00:03:04,160 'Take care, bye.' 53 00:03:04,160 --> 00:03:07,680 That's...today. I didn't hear the beginning of the message. 54 00:03:07,680 --> 00:03:10,040 Is it hash to replay on these? 55 00:03:10,040 --> 00:03:12,000 'Message deleted.' 56 00:03:12,000 --> 00:03:14,640 Oh! No, no, who's died? 57 00:03:14,640 --> 00:03:16,320 'Next message.' 58 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,560 'Hi, it's your mother. 59 00:03:18,560 --> 00:03:22,720 'The man in the chemist won't report you but recommends you see a gynae...' 60 00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:30,480 What a face. Who died? 61 00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:32,600 No... I don't know! 62 00:03:32,600 --> 00:03:35,920 Someone has died, but I didn't hear the beginning of the message, 63 00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:40,480 I don't know who it was from, and Mum's not picking up. Gary... 64 00:03:40,480 --> 00:03:41,600 maybe Gary's died. 65 00:03:41,600 --> 00:03:44,120 - Hi! - Argh! 66 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,880 Is that you? Are you alive? 67 00:03:47,880 --> 00:03:49,880 Oh, he's alive! 68 00:03:49,880 --> 00:03:51,640 Oh, let me keep checking. 69 00:03:57,160 --> 00:03:59,120 He's alive. 70 00:03:59,120 --> 00:04:00,840 I made some muffins. 71 00:04:00,840 --> 00:04:04,560 - What's going on? - Someone's dead, don't know who, funeral in two hours. 72 00:04:04,560 --> 00:04:07,520 I can't go, can I? Not when I don't know who's in the box. 73 00:04:07,520 --> 00:04:10,880 It'll be like Deal Or No Deal, but with people. 74 00:04:10,880 --> 00:04:14,360 - You've got to go. - Yeah, you might want to pay respects to... 75 00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:17,400 - whoever. - No, you're right. OK, I'd better get ready. 76 00:04:21,360 --> 00:04:24,200 - It's the grief. - It's not grief, it's greed. 77 00:04:28,160 --> 00:04:30,240 A savoury muffin? 78 00:04:31,480 --> 00:04:33,760 LIFE is full of enough disappointments, Gary. 79 00:04:35,320 --> 00:04:37,360 SAVOURY muffin?! 80 00:04:40,080 --> 00:04:42,120 I don't know you anymore. 81 00:04:49,360 --> 00:04:50,880 Mum? Mum? 82 00:04:51,920 --> 00:04:56,920 - Thank goodness. I've been trying to get hold of you. Why didn't you call? - I didn't want you here. 83 00:04:56,920 --> 00:04:59,200 I was going to tell everyone you're in prison - 84 00:04:59,200 --> 00:05:02,000 less embarrassing than having to admit you're still single. 85 00:05:03,400 --> 00:05:05,480 Miranda, hi! Glad you got my message. 86 00:05:05,480 --> 00:05:07,240 Georgina, right... 87 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,400 Come and sit with me. 88 00:05:08,400 --> 00:05:10,360 Right, can I just ask...hang on. 89 00:05:10,360 --> 00:05:11,720 Mum, Mum... 90 00:05:11,720 --> 00:05:13,800 SHE MOUTHS: Who's in the box? 91 00:05:13,800 --> 00:05:15,920 - SHE MOUTHS: - Who's in what box? 92 00:05:15,920 --> 00:05:19,160 Welcome to Missenden Chapel Of Rest. 93 00:05:19,160 --> 00:05:23,840 Death is a time for sorrow, but it is also a time to give thanks. 94 00:05:23,840 --> 00:05:27,240 So we're going to hear a few words 95 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:30,800 from some family members Georgina has chosen. 96 00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:35,640 Beginning with Miranda. 97 00:05:35,640 --> 00:05:39,200 We thought it would be nice. 98 00:05:39,200 --> 00:05:42,880 Really? Does anyone else want to go first? 99 00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:45,960 - Miranda! - Right, OK. 100 00:05:45,960 --> 00:05:48,200 Good. 101 00:05:51,200 --> 00:05:56,640 Well, what can I say about this person? 102 00:05:56,640 --> 00:06:00,320 Well, they're dead, obviously. 103 00:06:00,320 --> 00:06:03,840 Otherwise they're in for a nasty shock when they wake up. 104 00:06:06,840 --> 00:06:08,880 When I think of... 105 00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,240 I think... 106 00:06:13,240 --> 00:06:15,720 you! 107 00:06:15,720 --> 00:06:19,840 Because, they were...you know... weren't they? 108 00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:24,360 - He was. - He! So he's male, dead and my relative. 109 00:06:28,160 --> 00:06:30,000 Uncle Michael... 110 00:06:31,600 --> 00:06:33,320 ..loved him. 111 00:06:34,480 --> 00:06:36,280 Cousin Stewart... 112 00:06:36,280 --> 00:06:37,760 is here. 113 00:06:37,760 --> 00:06:42,480 Hello! Hi to you. Great Uncle Jim... 114 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:45,720 ..is dead. Brilliant! 115 00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:50,240 No, HE was brilliant. 116 00:06:50,240 --> 00:06:56,960 And I'm sure he's thankful you're all here in this sad, sad situation. 117 00:06:56,960 --> 00:06:59,920 Don't sing. 118 00:06:59,920 --> 00:07:04,880 119 00:07:04,880 --> 00:07:07,400 120 00:07:07,400 --> 00:07:10,640 121 00:07:10,640 --> 00:07:13,920 122 00:07:13,920 --> 00:07:16,680 cos he's dead and in a box. 123 00:07:16,680 --> 00:07:18,240 Sorry. No. Hit it. 124 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:24,000 ORGAN STARTS UP 125 00:07:24,000 --> 00:07:25,600 Quick! 126 00:07:25,600 --> 00:07:29,520 I really wanted to introduce you to that vicar - so dishy. 127 00:07:29,520 --> 00:07:32,360 Please, I want to leave with a shred of dignity intact. 128 00:07:32,360 --> 00:07:36,040 Oh, it was mortifying. I wish the ground could have swallowed me up. 129 00:07:46,160 --> 00:07:48,520 - Better? - Yeah, thank you. 130 00:07:48,520 --> 00:07:50,640 - What happened? - I fell in a grave. 131 00:07:50,640 --> 00:07:53,080 HE LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY 132 00:07:55,160 --> 00:07:57,640 - Gary, stop it! - Sorry! 133 00:07:57,640 --> 00:08:01,720 Seriously, it really freaked me out. If I die tomorrow, what have I achieved? 134 00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:04,640 Excuse me, can I put these sponsorship forms on the bar? 135 00:08:04,640 --> 00:08:07,360 - I've been asking all the shops in the street. - Sure, what's it for? 136 00:08:07,360 --> 00:08:10,160 I'm doing a parachute jump for charity. 137 00:08:10,160 --> 00:08:12,560 "I'm doing a parachute jump for charity." 138 00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,280 Show off. 139 00:08:14,280 --> 00:08:15,880 Get out! 140 00:08:15,880 --> 00:08:18,240 - Excuse me! - Well, he's making me feel guilty. 141 00:08:18,240 --> 00:08:20,680 You see, people DO things with their lives. 142 00:08:20,680 --> 00:08:22,560 I mean, what will people say at my funeral? 143 00:08:22,560 --> 00:08:24,640 Seriously, would I have a good eulogy? 144 00:08:24,640 --> 00:08:26,480 Of course you would. 145 00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,000 Oh, OK... 146 00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,680 "Here lies Miranda. She was warm..." 147 00:08:30,680 --> 00:08:32,320 "Very warm. 148 00:08:32,320 --> 00:08:35,800 "Because she... 149 00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:38,160 "carried that extra little bit of weight." 150 00:08:40,760 --> 00:08:43,680 "She was a sweaty woman, but nice!" 151 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:47,920 "Sweaty but nice..." 152 00:08:47,920 --> 00:08:49,800 is what you'd say at my funeral? 153 00:08:49,800 --> 00:08:52,240 Oh, no - Chris and Alison... 154 00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,280 They're sweet and really like you, OK? 155 00:08:55,840 --> 00:08:58,240 - Hello! - Hello! - Hello! 156 00:08:58,240 --> 00:09:00,640 - Hello! - Hello! 157 00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:03,080 BOTH: Hello! 158 00:09:03,080 --> 00:09:07,080 - Did you want to...? - Hang on, there's someone you haven't said hello to. 159 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,600 Say hello to baby. 160 00:09:09,600 --> 00:09:12,800 You want me to say hello to the baby in your womb? 161 00:09:12,800 --> 00:09:14,320 - BOTH: - Press the intercom! 162 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,120 Said it at the same time! 163 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,800 Hello, baby. 164 00:09:23,800 --> 00:09:26,960 - SHE PUTS ON BABY VOICE: - Hello, Auntie Miranda! 165 00:09:26,960 --> 00:09:29,360 - How lovely to meet you! - Baby's speaking! 166 00:09:29,360 --> 00:09:32,040 It's not the baby though, is it? 167 00:09:32,040 --> 00:09:34,840 It's Alison! 168 00:09:34,840 --> 00:09:36,920 Now Gary, we want a word with you. 169 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:39,120 We're too excited to wait to ask people. 170 00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:42,160 Would you do us the honour of being godfather to baby? 171 00:09:42,160 --> 00:09:43,960 Oh, wow! Guys, yes, of course. 172 00:09:43,960 --> 00:09:46,000 - It would be a privilege. - Oh, thank you. 173 00:09:46,000 --> 00:09:49,240 - And godmother, Miranda... - Oh, yes... 174 00:09:49,240 --> 00:09:53,120 We want you to know you are very much in the running. 175 00:09:54,240 --> 00:09:56,200 Oh, that's kind, isn't it? 176 00:09:56,200 --> 00:09:58,120 In the running! 177 00:09:59,840 --> 00:10:03,560 Well, we best be off. Anti-natal classes. 178 00:10:03,560 --> 00:10:05,080 Two, three... 179 00:10:07,360 --> 00:10:09,000 Oh, hi, guys, what are you doing? 180 00:10:09,000 --> 00:10:13,200 Can't chat. Tilly's helping me to organise tomorrow's charity wine tasting 181 00:10:13,200 --> 00:10:16,920 for the new wing of the local hospice. Must get on. 182 00:10:16,920 --> 00:10:19,200 Charity vino taste-icles. 183 00:10:19,200 --> 00:10:23,000 What? Mum, you could have asked me to help. Why Tilly? 184 00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:27,200 Hello, Rudeulant! I am well known for my good deeds. 185 00:10:27,200 --> 00:10:30,720 Sometimes people at work call me Mrs Dalai the La-la-lama. 186 00:10:30,720 --> 00:10:34,840 Well, you know I also give myself freely to others. 187 00:10:34,840 --> 00:10:37,360 Not sexually. 188 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:40,640 I mean, you know, doing good before I die, so yes, I'll help. 189 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:43,520 Planning meeting. Such fun. 190 00:10:43,520 --> 00:10:45,920 First on the agenda is the sommelier. 191 00:10:45,920 --> 00:10:47,640 He many not be able to come. 192 00:10:47,640 --> 00:10:51,200 Oh! Major Disaster and his friend Colonel Cock-up. 193 00:10:51,200 --> 00:10:55,240 I'll call him later but he might be stuck in what I call, Monte Carlo. 194 00:10:55,240 --> 00:10:57,480 I think we all call it Monte Carlo. 195 00:10:57,480 --> 00:11:02,280 Right, so Bunty has persuaded Prue Leith to rustle up some Amuse Bouches, 196 00:11:02,280 --> 00:11:05,000 so we just need to write a list of the nibbles that we want. 197 00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,800 Nibbles, always hard to manage I find. 198 00:11:29,880 --> 00:11:34,280 - What about mini frittata? - Oh, is she coming? Be nice to see her again. 199 00:11:34,280 --> 00:11:36,560 No, mini frittata - it's a nibble. 200 00:11:36,560 --> 00:11:39,280 Oh, sorry, I thought you meant a friend from school. 201 00:11:39,280 --> 00:11:42,200 Miranda, I think it's best if you leave us to it. 202 00:11:42,200 --> 00:11:44,080 You're thinking of Focaccia Pilkington. 203 00:11:44,080 --> 00:11:47,640 Yes, you see, it IS confusing. Well, let me do something. 204 00:11:47,640 --> 00:11:52,040 Miranda, this is a social occasion. 205 00:11:52,040 --> 00:11:54,280 What's the first thing you do in a formal situation? 206 00:11:54,280 --> 00:11:58,440 Easy. Find where the eats are coming from, intercept them, stash them. 207 00:11:58,440 --> 00:12:01,680 You greet with a "such fun", a statement and a laugh. 208 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:08,920 Miranda, such fun! You'd never have guessed her pashmina was from MandS. 209 00:12:08,920 --> 00:12:15,200 And the laugh this season is based on the song Poker Face by Lady GaGa. 210 00:12:15,200 --> 00:12:19,440 211 00:12:19,440 --> 00:12:22,360 SHE LAUGHS TO TUNE 212 00:12:25,400 --> 00:12:27,120 There was one thing you could do. 213 00:12:27,120 --> 00:12:29,440 "Queen Kong 'to do' list. 214 00:12:29,440 --> 00:12:33,720 "Don't get chucked out and ruin it." 215 00:12:33,720 --> 00:12:36,440 I haven't been chucked out of anywhere for three years. 216 00:12:36,440 --> 00:12:39,040 Since last week! Look, I won't ruin it. 217 00:12:39,040 --> 00:12:42,840 It's not like I go around punching vicars. I tell you what, 218 00:12:42,840 --> 00:12:45,000 the hospice do visitor volunteering, 219 00:12:45,000 --> 00:12:47,800 I'm going to put my name down right now for that. 220 00:12:47,800 --> 00:12:51,240 That is the kind of charity people remember after you've gone. 221 00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:53,080 Who's the loser now? 222 00:12:55,840 --> 00:12:59,000 Clive, can you unhook my bag? I'm trying to sweep out. 223 00:12:59,000 --> 00:13:00,520 Just give me the chair! 224 00:13:06,080 --> 00:13:10,320 "And he saw her walk away and knew she was the woman for him." 225 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:15,760 Aaah! Right, well I better talk to someone else now, OK? 226 00:13:15,760 --> 00:13:17,640 Because she's farted. 227 00:13:21,760 --> 00:13:24,680 Hello! Would you like a visit? 228 00:13:24,680 --> 00:13:27,880 My name's Miranda. And... 229 00:13:27,880 --> 00:13:29,600 Oh, that's quite rude. 230 00:13:31,120 --> 00:13:32,640 He's not dead, is he? 231 00:13:32,640 --> 00:13:34,960 MAN SCREAMS 232 00:13:35,760 --> 00:13:39,040 ALL SCREAM 233 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:42,080 Geriatric screaming dominoes! 234 00:13:42,080 --> 00:13:46,520 235 00:13:46,520 --> 00:13:50,320 - Make it stop! - You're rude, actually! OK, just relax. 236 00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:53,480 I can see something that will cheer you right up! 237 00:13:54,720 --> 00:13:56,840 What's going on here? 238 00:14:00,320 --> 00:14:02,800 - Right that's it. You - out. - Oh, what? 239 00:14:02,800 --> 00:14:06,520 - Your fault. - Kong Pants... You're not getting chucked out? 240 00:14:06,520 --> 00:14:11,640 No, no. This is my boyfriend, we're seeing each other. 241 00:14:11,640 --> 00:14:13,600 I think you should leave now. 242 00:14:13,600 --> 00:14:16,240 I think you should leave now, tease. 243 00:14:16,240 --> 00:14:17,840 Aah! 244 00:14:17,840 --> 00:14:22,360 - Security! - Oh, role play, yeah, kinky - that's what we're about. 245 00:14:22,360 --> 00:14:24,400 I'll play fugitive. 246 00:14:24,400 --> 00:14:26,520 Chase me! 247 00:14:27,440 --> 00:14:29,920 No, not really! 248 00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:34,320 Hello, Florence Nightingale, how did it go? 249 00:14:34,320 --> 00:14:37,640 - Good, yeah... I think... - You got chucked out, didn't you? 250 00:14:37,640 --> 00:14:39,720 I got chucked out. 251 00:14:39,720 --> 00:14:41,880 Meals on Wheels. 252 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:45,840 Could you pass that on to Miranda for me, please? I'm double parked. 253 00:14:45,840 --> 00:14:49,240 There's also some brochures for her to look at. See you tomorrow. 254 00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,520 These are for care homes? 255 00:14:55,520 --> 00:14:59,280 And you've got a bus pass... 256 00:14:59,280 --> 00:15:01,120 Oh, I see. 257 00:15:01,120 --> 00:15:04,200 Born in 1914. But I was born in 1974. 258 00:15:04,200 --> 00:15:07,880 See? I said your ones and sevens were incomprehensible. 259 00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:10,000 They couldn't read your council tax form. 260 00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:12,760 The council think I'm 96! 261 00:15:12,760 --> 00:15:18,440 Ooh Heather, what a marvellous "I told you so" gift. 262 00:15:18,440 --> 00:15:20,000 You'll have to ring the council. 263 00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,640 Well, not before I've enjoyed my meal on a wheel. 264 00:15:23,640 --> 00:15:28,960 Whenever I think of meals on wheels, I always think of little Yorkshire puddings on roller skates. 265 00:15:28,960 --> 00:15:32,480 - But you're weird. - You're weird. - You're weird. 266 00:15:32,480 --> 00:15:34,480 SHE SINGS 267 00:15:34,480 --> 00:15:36,080 You're weird. 268 00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:39,920 You're weird. 269 00:15:39,920 --> 00:15:42,400 - You're weird. - You're weird. 270 00:15:42,400 --> 00:15:45,760 - You're weird. - YOU'RE WEIRD! 271 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:49,000 You're weird. I won. 272 00:15:51,680 --> 00:15:54,160 - Are you OK? - Yeah fine, yeah. 273 00:15:54,160 --> 00:15:57,240 Well, apart from the fact that I can't do good, won't have any kind of 274 00:15:57,240 --> 00:16:02,840 eulogy, everyone thinks I'm hopeless, even Chris and Alison have only got me "in the running" for godmother. 275 00:16:02,840 --> 00:16:05,960 - I'll ask Gary to put in a good word for you. - No, don't worry. 276 00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:12,200 No, but listen, you godmother, Gary, godfather! Nice! 277 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:15,960 - You'd share a god-daughter. - Yeah, be like we're sort of god-married. 278 00:16:15,960 --> 00:16:19,040 Then we could go on a goddy-moon. 279 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,640 - It's taking it too far. - Taking what too far? 280 00:16:22,640 --> 00:16:24,440 Um, Clive's taking it too far. 281 00:16:24,440 --> 00:16:31,800 Um, he said to me, shall I take my dog for a walk to Prestatyn? 282 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:36,600 - And I said, no, that's taking it... - BOTH: Too far. 283 00:16:38,120 --> 00:16:41,160 So I'm just going to take him to Bristol instead. 284 00:16:41,160 --> 00:16:45,960 - Good. - Queen Kong, you been chucked out of anywhere recently? 285 00:16:45,960 --> 00:16:50,520 SHE LAUGHS ANNOYINGLY 286 00:16:50,520 --> 00:16:55,920 Excuse me, busy busy for le wine tasting, le wine tasting. 287 00:16:55,920 --> 00:16:59,880 Well, no excuse me excuse me, because me too, me too, so am I, so am I, so I am. 288 00:16:59,880 --> 00:17:02,440 I presume you are kiddingtons? 289 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,560 No, because, 290 00:17:04,560 --> 00:17:08,840 the only chucking out I'll be doing is out of a plane for my charity parachute jump. 291 00:17:08,840 --> 00:17:14,360 Yes, I'm going to register to jump 10,000, 10,000 feet?! 292 00:17:14,360 --> 00:17:17,640 Ooh, whilst strapped to an instructor. 293 00:17:17,640 --> 00:17:20,520 Bit of a bonus. 294 00:17:20,520 --> 00:17:23,640 Will there be a parachute... Big enough? 295 00:17:23,640 --> 00:17:26,720 No, seriously? 296 00:17:26,720 --> 00:17:31,080 You can shove my parachute up your skinny amuse-bouche exit hole. 297 00:17:34,040 --> 00:17:36,720 I would like to sweep out just once, Clive. 298 00:17:38,240 --> 00:17:41,320 Thank you. ...Exit hole. 299 00:17:41,320 --> 00:17:43,120 Sweeping, thank you. 300 00:17:43,120 --> 00:17:45,080 Look at my sweep-ingtons. 301 00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:51,720 Hi, is registration still open for the parachute jump? 302 00:17:51,720 --> 00:17:54,520 Yes, just in time. Would you like to register? 303 00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:58,000 No, I thought I'd come along, see if you're open, and then pop home again. 304 00:17:58,000 --> 00:17:59,360 Oh, all right. 305 00:17:59,360 --> 00:18:02,040 - Next! - No, no, I was joking. 306 00:18:02,040 --> 00:18:05,560 All right, um well there's a few details to fill out there. 307 00:18:05,560 --> 00:18:07,920 There's some medical questions as well. 308 00:18:07,920 --> 00:18:12,560 OK. Ooh, jumping out of a plane for charity. We could die happy tomorrow. 309 00:18:12,560 --> 00:18:16,120 Statistically it's very unlikely that you'll actually die. 310 00:18:16,120 --> 00:18:20,880 No, I wasn't saying that you'd die on the jump, I meant if we died, we'd feel good about ourselves. 311 00:18:20,880 --> 00:18:24,000 I don't think you'd feel good plummeting to your death. 312 00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:28,760 I'm not saying you'd feel good dying, I'm just, is he a little bit thick? 313 00:18:28,760 --> 00:18:29,960 Little bit thick. 314 00:18:29,960 --> 00:18:32,880 I'm just saying... It doesn't matter. 315 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:37,160 Right, are you or could you be pregnant? 316 00:18:37,160 --> 00:18:40,400 Well, you know, I could be. 317 00:18:40,400 --> 00:18:43,400 When did you last have intercourse? 318 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,280 Don't worry. I'm not pregnant. 319 00:18:48,280 --> 00:18:50,040 - But it's for our insurance. - I'm not. 320 00:18:50,040 --> 00:18:51,680 - You said you might be. - I'm really not. 321 00:18:51,680 --> 00:18:55,480 - It's for our insurance. - I haven't had sex for three years! 322 00:18:56,520 --> 00:18:58,560 Good. 323 00:18:58,560 --> 00:19:01,600 Right, I just need to see some ID. 324 00:19:01,600 --> 00:19:03,520 Oh, I'm not sure I've got anything. 325 00:19:03,520 --> 00:19:07,560 Bus pass. 326 00:19:07,560 --> 00:19:10,440 It says here that you're 96. 327 00:19:10,440 --> 00:19:13,120 Our insurance company doesn't insure people over 80. 328 00:19:13,120 --> 00:19:15,040 Yes, but I'm obviously not 96. 329 00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:17,320 That's not what it says here. 330 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:19,560 But I hope that's what it says here. 331 00:19:19,560 --> 00:19:22,560 - How old are you? - Late 20s. 332 00:19:22,560 --> 00:19:25,120 - Specifically? - 35. 333 00:19:25,120 --> 00:19:28,440 So, could you please tell the insurance I'm under 80? 334 00:19:28,440 --> 00:19:31,400 We can't do it without ID, I'm afraid. 335 00:19:34,040 --> 00:19:37,120 - Is that the instructor you get strapped to for the jump? - Yeah. 336 00:19:37,120 --> 00:19:40,360 Just out of interest, can you do that part without the ID? 337 00:19:40,360 --> 00:19:42,160 You just want to do the training? 338 00:19:42,160 --> 00:19:46,040 I just want to know if I could strap myself tightly to... Ooh, hello! 339 00:19:49,480 --> 00:19:51,320 She hasn't had sex in three years. 340 00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,320 I have never liked you. 341 00:19:55,320 --> 00:19:57,600 Watch my sweep. 342 00:20:01,120 --> 00:20:04,720 I'm going to give up doing good, it keeps back firing. 343 00:20:04,720 --> 00:20:08,880 1974, yes. Someone misread the one. 344 00:20:08,880 --> 00:20:11,720 Morning. We come bearing news. 345 00:20:11,720 --> 00:20:14,400 Gary's been telling us about your good deeds. 346 00:20:14,400 --> 00:20:19,440 And we can now reveal the person joining Gary as godparent will be... 347 00:20:21,640 --> 00:20:24,600 - BOTH: Miranda! - Oh, really? Ah, that's lovely. 348 00:20:24,600 --> 00:20:26,560 And, there's something else. 349 00:20:26,560 --> 00:20:31,360 We wanted the godmother to do the honour of being my birthing partner. 350 00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:37,280 - We ran it past Gary. - Ummm... 351 00:20:37,280 --> 00:20:39,720 That's her excited voice. 352 00:20:39,720 --> 00:20:42,640 No, well, hang on, what about Chris? 353 00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:45,120 Well, you see we want a video of the birth. 354 00:20:45,120 --> 00:20:50,280 - I want to be down the business end focussing on dilation. - BOTH: Ooh, too much information! 355 00:20:50,280 --> 00:20:53,480 How amazing to witness the cervix peeling open. 356 00:20:53,480 --> 00:20:55,640 The, the, the, the, the... 357 00:20:55,640 --> 00:20:58,240 358 00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,520 359 00:21:00,520 --> 00:21:03,800 Just a spot-o, Kylie. 360 00:21:03,800 --> 00:21:08,600 Now normal "cervix" can be resumed. 361 00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,560 No? 362 00:21:10,560 --> 00:21:12,400 Oh, pressing down on bladder. 363 00:21:12,400 --> 00:21:14,800 - Do you mind if I use your... - Toilet, yes. 364 00:21:14,800 --> 00:21:18,880 Oh, it's happened again, I've got an empathy wee coming. 365 00:21:21,320 --> 00:21:26,440 - Gary, how could you sign me up to be birthing partner? - Sorry, I didn't mean for that to happen. 366 00:21:26,440 --> 00:21:28,880 I will not do it. I've got to get out of their lives. 367 00:21:28,880 --> 00:21:33,680 - You can't just say you don't want to be godmother. - They'd be mortified. 368 00:21:33,680 --> 00:21:38,360 OK, well, I'll have to do bad, show they've made a wrong choice. 369 00:21:38,360 --> 00:21:41,480 I thought you were doing good. That's why I suggested it. 370 00:21:41,480 --> 00:21:46,680 Well, I will forgo any kind of eulogy to get away from peeling cervixes. 371 00:21:46,680 --> 00:21:51,200 - Hello? - Hello! 372 00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:54,720 Well, we'd best be off. Come on, dumpling. 373 00:21:54,720 --> 00:21:59,080 Before you go, I'm not sure you've made the right choice. 374 00:21:59,080 --> 00:22:03,400 No, no, Miranda isn't fit to be a godmother. 375 00:22:03,400 --> 00:22:06,040 She stole what she's wearing from a charity shop. 376 00:22:06,040 --> 00:22:07,880 Yes. 377 00:22:07,880 --> 00:22:12,600 Stealing is often a sign of low self-esteem. 378 00:22:12,600 --> 00:22:18,000 In your case, that's understandable. But being a godmummy will help that. 379 00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:21,640 When a woman has no chance of having a child herself... 380 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:28,440 We can give the gift of getting involved in another child's life. 381 00:22:30,160 --> 00:22:35,760 So we'll meet you at the restaurant later, yes, to talk birthing plans. 382 00:22:41,080 --> 00:22:45,800 I will have to do something intrinsically evil. 383 00:22:45,800 --> 00:22:48,680 Mein Kampf. 384 00:22:48,680 --> 00:22:52,080 Well, I'd be an unnaceptable godparent if I'm waiting for 385 00:22:52,080 --> 00:22:55,680 - them at the restaurant, reading a whole load of Hitler. - Shush! 386 00:22:55,680 --> 00:22:58,600 Sorry. 387 00:22:58,600 --> 00:23:00,840 Shush! 388 00:23:00,840 --> 00:23:05,120 - I was just saying sorry. - Shush! 389 00:23:07,120 --> 00:23:10,360 - Right, you can put those... - Shush! 390 00:23:10,360 --> 00:23:14,120 No, you shush. 391 00:23:14,120 --> 00:23:16,240 I was shushing you. 392 00:23:16,240 --> 00:23:19,160 No, I do the shushing around here. 393 00:23:21,840 --> 00:23:26,480 - Shush. - It's the chair. 394 00:23:27,840 --> 00:23:30,280 - Shush. - It's my jacket. 395 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,440 Shush! 396 00:23:34,600 --> 00:23:37,240 I can't move now. 397 00:23:39,000 --> 00:23:42,240 SHE COUGHS LOUDLY 398 00:23:51,160 --> 00:23:56,240 Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. 399 00:23:56,240 --> 00:23:58,040 Ooh, this is nice. 400 00:24:01,120 --> 00:24:04,680 Ah, Danielle the Daisy Fairy. 401 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:06,320 That's more like it. 402 00:24:06,320 --> 00:24:08,840 Lovely. 403 00:24:09,960 --> 00:24:13,120 Oh, it's lovely. 404 00:24:16,440 --> 00:24:18,480 - Excuse me? - Hmm? 405 00:24:18,480 --> 00:24:20,520 They're on this. 406 00:24:20,520 --> 00:24:22,120 Right. 407 00:24:22,120 --> 00:24:24,240 What's happening? 408 00:24:25,400 --> 00:24:28,720 Oh! Oh, I see. 409 00:24:28,720 --> 00:24:32,560 Right. OK. Hello. 410 00:24:33,840 --> 00:24:35,880 So, chapter one... 411 00:24:35,880 --> 00:24:40,320 "Limpy stuck his head out of the grass." 412 00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:44,000 - Use the puppet. - All right, bossy. 413 00:24:46,640 --> 00:24:50,200 "And peered up and down the highway. 414 00:24:50,200 --> 00:24:52,160 "He felt his..." 415 00:24:52,160 --> 00:24:54,520 Oh, no, no. 416 00:24:54,520 --> 00:24:57,160 She's going to be our own Mary Poppins. 417 00:24:57,160 --> 00:24:59,200 No. I don't even like children. 418 00:24:59,200 --> 00:25:02,440 I'm actually reading Mein Kampf to them. 419 00:25:04,240 --> 00:25:08,760 So children, the master race, mmm, evil, where have they... 420 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:12,000 I think you should leave. 421 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:13,640 I blame you. 422 00:25:15,640 --> 00:25:19,040 I just got caught reading Mein Kampf to children. 423 00:25:19,040 --> 00:25:21,520 Well, that IS evil. 424 00:25:21,520 --> 00:25:25,200 Chris and Alison didn't see though. I try and do good, I do bad. 425 00:25:25,200 --> 00:25:28,080 I try bad, I do good. I wish I hadn't started it now. 426 00:25:28,080 --> 00:25:30,640 You can't hear what people say at your funeral anyway. 427 00:25:30,640 --> 00:25:34,000 - I'm so sorry for your loss. - What? 428 00:25:34,000 --> 00:25:38,600 - The council took Miranda off the meals on wheels list so that can only mean... - Oh, yes. 429 00:25:38,600 --> 00:25:42,400 Sad, but she had a wonderful life. 430 00:25:42,400 --> 00:25:45,280 - She was a good woman. Wasn't she, Stevie? - Ummm... 431 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:46,800 Yes, she was. 432 00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:49,280 Miranda was a kind, considerate... 433 00:25:49,280 --> 00:25:52,360 - Self-absorbed... - Caring woman. Who only ever thought of... 434 00:25:52,360 --> 00:25:54,040 - Herself. - Others. 435 00:25:54,040 --> 00:25:55,880 - She had an excellent... - Appetite. 436 00:25:55,880 --> 00:25:58,280 Sense of humour. 437 00:25:58,280 --> 00:26:00,000 When she walked in to a room, it... 438 00:26:00,000 --> 00:26:02,120 - Smelt. - Lit up. 439 00:26:02,120 --> 00:26:03,720 - Such was her... - Wind. 440 00:26:03,720 --> 00:26:05,600 Presence. 441 00:26:05,600 --> 00:26:07,200 Her death is a total... 442 00:26:07,200 --> 00:26:08,880 - Relief. - Loss. 443 00:26:08,880 --> 00:26:12,840 What a lovely eulogy. 444 00:26:12,840 --> 00:26:16,240 Ah, thank you. Eulogy, tick. 445 00:26:16,240 --> 00:26:20,320 Now I've just got to do evil for Chris and Alison and then cope with Mum's party. 446 00:26:20,320 --> 00:26:23,600 I'm not being rude, but unlikely. 447 00:26:27,120 --> 00:26:30,800 FAKE LAUGHTER 448 00:26:30,800 --> 00:26:32,400 Didn't get it, covered it up. 449 00:26:33,920 --> 00:26:36,120 - Hi, coping? - Yes, not bad. 450 00:26:36,120 --> 00:26:38,760 It's just a shame Mr and Mrs Empathy Wee are here. 451 00:26:38,760 --> 00:26:43,320 I swear, if they say one more gross thing, I will do something drastic to get out of being god mother. 452 00:26:43,320 --> 00:26:46,320 Miranda, let me introduce you to James the vicar. 453 00:26:46,320 --> 00:26:47,880 Vicar! 454 00:26:47,880 --> 00:26:51,200 You remember Miranda? 455 00:26:51,200 --> 00:26:52,720 Yes. 456 00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:58,000 It looks funny, a vicar with a glass of wine, looks a bit naughty. 457 00:26:58,000 --> 00:27:01,680 - Do you swear? Say bollocks. - I'd rather not. 458 00:27:01,680 --> 00:27:04,480 - Oh, hello Chris. - Ah, vicar. Hello. 459 00:27:04,480 --> 00:27:06,800 James is the vicar doing our christening. 460 00:27:06,800 --> 00:27:10,280 Miranda is Alison's birth partner, who in the traditional ceremony 461 00:27:10,280 --> 00:27:13,680 we aim to replicate, is responsible for the burial of the placenta. 462 00:27:13,680 --> 00:27:15,280 Aaah! 463 00:27:15,280 --> 00:27:16,920 Right, that is it. 464 00:27:16,920 --> 00:27:21,720 Mother, Father, forgive me, because I know exactly what I'm about to do. 465 00:27:24,080 --> 00:27:25,720 Just punched a vicar, unprovoked. 466 00:27:25,720 --> 00:27:27,920 - Evil. - Did she just punch a vicar? 467 00:27:27,920 --> 00:27:30,160 - You just punched a vicar. - Just punched a vicar. 468 00:27:30,160 --> 00:27:33,640 - I can't believe you punched a vicar. - I just punched a vicar. 469 00:27:33,640 --> 00:27:35,680 Unacceptable! 470 00:27:35,680 --> 00:27:39,080 Queen Kong, all you had to do was not get chucked out and ruin it. 471 00:27:39,080 --> 00:27:44,600 - I think you should leave. - Excuse me, sorry to interrupt, I realised where we met. 472 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:50,000 - You read to my aunt in hospital before she died and we are so grateful. - Oh, my pleasure. 473 00:27:50,000 --> 00:27:53,960 Hang on, you're the woman who did the parachute jump. Oh, so brave. 474 00:27:53,960 --> 00:27:56,200 I chickened out. 475 00:27:56,200 --> 00:28:00,520 We should all look up to you, selflessly giving your time for others. 476 00:28:00,520 --> 00:28:03,800 Well, one does one's best. A ha-ha! 477 00:28:06,840 --> 00:28:08,400 Everyone, everyone. 478 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:11,160 This is Miranda, my daughter. 479 00:28:11,160 --> 00:28:16,440 She does parachute jumps and volunteers at the local hospital. 480 00:28:16,440 --> 00:28:20,240 Ah, the pleasure's all yours. 481 00:28:20,240 --> 00:28:22,160 Hit it, Clive. 482 00:28:22,160 --> 00:28:25,000 - MUSIC STARTS - May I? - You may! 483 00:29:00,560 --> 00:29:03,600 Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 484 00:29:03,600 --> 00:29:06,640 E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk 9999 00:00:0,500 --> 00:00:2,00